Monday, March 9, 2009
Bristol, RI
5:17 AM

Been up for a bit – drinking my coffee now. Giggling a bit…
Started around 3:20-ish while I was becoming aware that it was going to rain and that I had put out Lynda’s trash last night and it’s uncovered so the bins will collect some water and the trash collectors may not want to pick up the rain heavy bins…
Few options in this moment – which brings up the real point; ‘concern’ about what may happen stems from worry that I should not have left uncovered trash bins out that could collect rain water, and in this moment I should/could fret, worry, get upset. Notice the ‘need’ or at least the propensity to feel worried that ‘it should not be the way that it is’ and ‘something needs to be done.’
My attention turns to the awareness of my skin blemishes, my ‘therapeutic-wounds’ as I have chosen to think of them.
Time to connect the dots… it’s all related, all symptoms of the same underlying error in cognition…

I often awake in the earliest hours and sometimes, like this morning, I allow the presence to stay, and get up; but I usually drift back to sleep and dreamtime. But the rain kept me awake, aware that, shy of driving over to Tiverton to look in the garage for trash can lids, there wasn’t much I could do. But now I can’t sleep and the thought / suggestion that I be upset by the ‘fact’ that I cannot drift off to dreamland seems like an alien thought to me now… just give-in (damn it!) and get up.
And I’m giggling at something. I think about a neighbor’s dog that visits on occasion and I think he’s a ‘wonderfully-goofy’ dog; you can tell just by the way he looks that he’s goofy. Makes me giggle a bit. Can’t sleep, can’t stop the rain, still got those skin blemishes that ‘if only I had health coverage I could get them looked at’ and suddenly I ‘see’ the inter-connected / inter-relatedness of it ALL.
Some part of me is always on the lookout, always aware that at any moment ‘something’ could, in fact probably will ‘happen’ that will require a change of plan, a need to fix or correct, in order to be okay. As if I should proclaim: “It’s a good thing you’re on top of this” for otherwise I’d be… what?
Ahh, yes, my old rhetorical buddy pipes up from within. “So, Willie, what’s afraid? Oh, yeah, and while you’re at it, once again – exactly what is it afraid of?????”

‘Can’t sleep – must be something wrong’ --- Really?
‘It’s raining out – you shouldn’t have put the trash out because the trash collectors won’t empty rained-in containers’ --- Well, we’ll see soon enough, and then we can deal with it in the moment.
‘Well, what about those skin ‘things’ that just won’t go away – huh?’

The last one gave it all away; the ‘Old Faithful’ of my current concerns, reliably there to be the cause of fear. Suddenly it’s as plain as the noonday hour on a cloudless day: ‘You better be concerned; you better be afraid!’

My dear, sweet human, I seem to almost always forget that you simply don’t know how to think about my truth without reverting to a fear-based scenario. After being ‘in the presence’ of something that simply cannot be understood, comprehended, ‘grokked’ - and then left to yourself – all you can do is be afraid until, until… what?

My time with Dr John Mack and Roberta Colasanti during the days of PEER were all about holding a space for me, in my humanness, as I grappled with what Dr John lovingly referred to as ‘ontological shock’ as if they both were my mid-wife as I birthed this new, emerging me. And even though Johnny Mack is now off-stage, his pediatric care of me seems to be continuing from that near-by dimension as well as through my continued contact with Bobbie. That, combined with 24+ years working with the metaphysics of A Course in Miracles, allowed me to chuckle, to giggle this early morning. I am currently, as I write this, fully encased in complete knowing that the ‘more-than-human’ me poses a very real threat to my human. It doesn’t mean to, and in truth ‘it’ – my ‘more-than-human-Self’ means no harm to anything, in fact it’s appearing only because it has been invited.

Ever since July 5, 1996 when I sent ‘that’ letter off to PEER I have been in ontological shock, and this morning, beginning around 3:33 AM it all fit into some form of higher sense.

Looks as if my favorite rhetorical will soon be bidding me a found adieu, its gift nearly unfathomable. Chuckle, giggle – call it what you will; in this moment it all makes sense, perfect sense.

Guess I better get ready to drive over to Lynda’s place and drain the rain from the trash cans… or not!

It's been said in many ways - "Know Thy Self" -- "To thine own Self be true" -- "Heal thy Self" and so today let's remember this: "Striving plunges you into confusion as to who you really are and why you try so hard, for finding yourself is all that matters in the actuality of making."

Your 'Original-Self' is your natural way of being, and allowing this original signature to surface is putting Self First so you can be Self-Full and then begin to leave well enough alone!

You are in a trance.
You are 'normal.'
You are not yourself; yet, you are always accompanied by your Self.

Today you can forget all you taught yourself - for one brief moment - and glimpse your Truth.

Laughter is required, for it is the only remedy that can override the blush of realizing you believed it was all true...