Perhaps a better way of describing this idea of ‘dreaming myself awake’ is to speak of it in terms of regaining my knowing mind. Early this morning I was partially awakened and told that ‘it is done’ and now I needed to trust the working-out of my human life. Remembering that a couple of hours later I sat with it as an awareness, and a presence engulfed me with an empathic familiarity that suspended me in a warm, flowing connectedness that left me temporarily without need.

As if I was in the original sensory-deprivation float tank where my breathing was as loud as the movement of my eyeballs in their sockets, I ‘knew’ I was at once both the thinker of the thought about to be experienced and the front row participant/recipient of said experience. In other words the thought could not be completed (or in this case experienced) without me, the part I know so well in this world, the part I had come to believe was who I was, as if there was a separation between the two. But how can the two be separated when they only exist together? Cause and effect only exist when both are in relationship. One defines the other.

Maybe it was the electrocution that scrambled my brain that day in the tree when I reached through the veil and pulled upon the Other One I Am or maybe that was the moment that ordinarily is saved for the end of life, but regardless, today I was back in that flow and it was as if I had never left. And now, from this place I have found once again, I don’t want or need to return to where I believed myself to have been just a few thoughts ago!

Having already experienced that, now I choose to return into a different expression of that experience. Is this going to be possible? Can I return into a different expression? Can I actually choose where to find myself? Will I return to where I was in an effort to tell anyone else there what I just found? Will there be anyone else there? Is there anyone there?

I think I am remembering who I am…

Nov 12, 2007 I’ve decided to dream myself awake. After all, that’s what I’ve been talking about for all these years. It certainly has taken me a long time – or so it seems – to get here, but if I’m going to dream a dream why not have it be a dream of awakening?

All the pieces are now being arranged in a way that finally feels right to me. Like everything else in this world of wonder, it was (is) only a matter of time. And I have been working on manipulating time for quite a while now. Perhaps more than anything else it’s about selective perception and the correct use of denial. It’s so funny that denial – something vilified by a limited mind – has actually been the cause and effect of my world. By selectively choosing what to empower with meaning I have simultaneously been denying meaning to other options.

I’ve always somehow known that just because I couldn’t find what I wanted now in no way meant it wasn’t there to be found. And even though frustration led me down that one-way dead end street called futility, I still ‘knew’ that what I wanted was there to be claimed, just temporarily invisible. The same power of selective perception was now over-riding my current desire. Denial seemed stronger than my current ability to see what I wanted now. Time to hit the re-set button.

So now I’ve decided to dream myself awake. I figure that by remembering more and more of who I am I can arrange those pieces into the me I’ve been waiting to be. And it all begins with realizing that I have been allowing the events to appear by selecting them above other events that could just as easily have been seen. It’s all about the meaning. Everything is about the meaning I have been looking to give to the events appearing so I could find the meaning I had chosen to give. And somehow, somewhere, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to tell with my life. I have been telling a story that absolutely in not the story I now wish to tell.

I think I had forgotten who I was.